Asking for Feedback Raises Expectations

In the mind of the giver, your request for feedback signals a desire to learn about the impact of your actions and make improvements.  While it is absolutely true that you always have the right to act on the feedback you receive or ignore it completely, you also have to be aware that those who muster up the courage and energy to give you honest feedback, particularly developmental FeedForward, hold an expectation that you will use the information and make changes.

This point really came to life for me recently.  I was collecting feedforward – constructive suggestions for improvement – for a senior executive of a major corporation.  I spoke with a number of people – his boss, peers and direct reports.  A number of them had provided him with feedback previously, and they were less than enthusiastic about giving him feedback again.  Why?  Because, in their words, “He hasn’t changed.  He didn’t listen the last time, so I’m not sure this time will be different.”  Point made and understood!

That point prompted me to offer the following coaching, for your consideration:

For the giver:  When you give feedback, give it and let it go.  Give in the true sense – give without expectation.  Give the gift of your perspective, with honesty and compassion AND respect the recipient’s right to do with the feedback whatever she chooses.  If she makes changes you recognize wonderful.  Acknowledge what you see and congratulate her.  If she does nothing as a result of your input, let that be fine too.  Respect the person’s right to do as she chooses, including living with the positive or negative consequence of her decision.

For the recipient:  When you ask for and receive feedback, especially developmental feedback, know that your request is sending a signal others are likely to read as, “I want to make some changes and improvements.  Help me see where I should focus my efforts for greatest effect.”  Having others do work on your behalf – give you feedback – and then for you to do nothing with it will not likely predispose the giver to trust future requests or to give again.

Always choose one or two items to implement.  Then, tell a few people around you, those who can easily witness you engaging in the new behavior, “I received some feedback that suggested I allow people to finish their sentences before I speak.  Beginning today, I’m going to work on that.  Would you be willing to help me by pointing out when you notice me allowing, or not allowing, others to finish their statements?   In the moment, you can clear your throat, cough, or simply say something like, “Lucy, I don’t think John finished his statement.”

Look for and acknowledge small changes in yourself and others:  Sometimes, you, and others, change.  The effort is real and sincere.  The change may be small and almost imperceptible, even though it feels BIG inside the one rendering the effort.  No one verbally acknowledges the change.  Feeling frustrated, reversion to old behavior occurs easily.  What can you do?  Verbally acknowledge baby steps, leaps and everything in between.

When a person does something well consistently, or simply better than they have in the past, let them know it.  Compliment them on the spot, grab them after the meeting, call, email, text; just be sure to tell them.  Hearing, “I noticed how well you handled the group’s questions today.  You restated each question and tested to be sure you understood the intention behind it; made eye contact with everyone, including the person who asked the question, as you responded; and your tone of voice and word choices were respectful.”  Your acknowledgment – to yourself and others – fuels continuous improvement.

Whether based on feedback or self-reflection, when you try to make a change, it sometimes takes a while before you feel comfortable with the new behavior and before others notice the change, or trust that it is real and not just an aberration.  That’s why change takes commitment and is not for the faint of heart.

Definitely, ask for appreciative feedback and developmental feedforward, but only when you intend to apply its lessons and make changes that help you be even more effective.

The Best Way to Make Feedback Constructive: Practice FeedForward

What do you do when you care about a person?  You find ways to support their happiness and success, particularly when they’re motivated and moving in that direction.

What’s a good way to get behind someone you care about and help them increase their effectiveness and propel themselves forward?  Give them high quality feedback.

Feedback is nourishment for all who are committed to growth and development.  In”Want to Grow and Flourish? Seek Out the Gift of Feedback” and “Does Giving Feedback Scare You? You’re Not Alone,” you get a sense of my thoughts on feedback and its value.  I offered techniques for asking for it, as well as receiving and giving it.  Here I’m offering a few stem statements that you can use that will help you give appreciative and developmental feedback with greater ease and honesty.

• Appreciative feedback is information about behavior that is effective and enables you to create desired results.  It’s the stuff you do that works well.
• Developmental feedback is information about behavior you exhibit – something you’re doing, or not doing – which detracts from your effectiveness.

Both types of feedback are valuable and, when delivered skillfully, can be experienced as positive and constructive.

Each of the following stem statements is offered with an eye toward what to do versus what not to do or what is not working.

When giving Appreciative Feedback begin your comments with statements like these:

• I like/admire the way you…  Keep it up!
• You’re effective when you…
• The way you____seems to work well.  Keep doing that.
• I value your ability to…
• I experience your strengths as…
• You’re very good at…
• You have a particular talent for…
• Continue to…  You’re effective when you do that.

Try these statements when giving Developmental Feedback:

• Consider…
• As you move ahead, you might be more successful if you…
• One suggestion for the future is…
• Start to…  I think that would be helpful.
• For the future, I would appreciate it if you would…  It would help me (or the team) to…
• I’ve seen several people increase their effectiveness by…   Maybe that’s an idea you might try.
• From now on, …
• Going forward, …

The intention behind each of these stem statements is to encourage the giver to make an affirmative statement – a statement that points to preferred or suggested behavior to continue or begin.  It takes your comments out of the realm of focusing on the past and criticizing what the person has done.  Instead, you’re focused on what the person already does that works and making suggestions about future actions that may be more effective.

This technique was popularized by Marshall Goldsmith, author of many great books, and founder of a coaching process in which I’m certified.  Marshall calls the process FeedForward.  If you’d like to read more about Feedforward, click here.

Practicing FeedForward can help you make the feedback process more positive and constructive, even when you have to address sensitive, difficult issues.

Remember:

• Be committed to being honest and communicating your message positively and constructively.
• Ask for time to think about what you want to say and the best way to say it.  Doing so, you’re more likely to develop and deliver your message successfully.  Simply say, “Let me give your request some thought and I’ll get back to you later today.”  Think about it.  Get your framing right:  honest, compassionate and respectful. With that, you’re ready to deliver your message.
• Feedback is not a dialogue or conversation.  In its purest form, it’s a description of behavior exhibited that works well, or a suggestion about behavior that might be more effective.
• Close with, “Thanks for asking.  Let me know if I can be of help, going forward.” This simple statement lets the person know you’re willing to continue to be supportive of their efforts to be their best.

Does Giving Feedback Scare You? You’re Not Alone.

Giving feedback is a scary proposition for most people.  Fears about giving feedback range from, “She won’t take it the way I mean it,” to “He doesn’t really want my opinion,” to “He’s not going to change anyway,” to “She has never listened to me before so why should I think she’ll listen to me now,” to “It will only make matters worse,” to “I can’t.  He’ll never speak to me again.”

After last week’s blog post, “Want to Grow and Flourish? Seek Out the Gift of Feedback,” I received this comment.  “We can all use some pointers on how to GIVE feedback without feeling like a villain.  When I’m asked for feedback, it puts me on edge, like I’m on the spot.  Even when the request is made with genuine openness, I feel afraid of being perceived as overly critical and being rejected.  I can’t imagine I’m alone.”

Trust me, you’re not alone.

We resist giving feedback, be it to one particular person or as a general rule.  Certainly, there are good reasons for being wary and reticent.  Whatever your rationale has been for politely keeping your lips sealed, I encourage you to more courageously, skillfully and compassionately step up and speak up.  You have a valuable gift to share.

Giving constructive feedback is important to do when a direct request is made of you.  If you’re a manager, coach or team leader, you’re paid to develop people.  To accomplish that end, constructive feedback is one of the most powerful tools you have at your disposal.  Not giving feedback is a sure sign of neglect of this critical dimension of your role.

If you’re a mentor, colleague, parent, partner or a good friend, the people you love and nurture will benefit from what you see in their behavior.  Why?  It’s simple:  what’s in your awareness and line of sight about a direct report, colleague or loved one may be in her blind spot. Feedback is the tool that diminishes the size of a person’s blind spot.

Constructive feedback, whether solicited or unsolicited, when delivered with honesty and respect, in the right setting, can super-charge high performers, boost sagging confidence, spark a flame of inspiration in the bored and unmotivated, and redirect focus for someone who has lost her way.

5 Tips for Giving Feedback – Appreciative and Developmental

1. Check your intentions.  If you intend to be critical, bring the person down to size, or unload your anger, disappointment or resentment, don’t say a word.  You’re not in a frame of mind that’s conducive to constructive feedback.  Excuse yourself until you can clear out your baggage.  Constructive feedback comes from good intentions – the honest desire to be helpful.

2. Stay away from terms like “your attitude,” or “you’re not motivated,” or “you’re so hostile.”  Instead, ask yourself, “What have I seen this person do [actions or nonverbal behavior], or heard him say, that causes me to conclude he has a positive or negative attitude?”  Whatever the answer is to that question, what you’ve seen him do or heard him say, share that.

For example, you might think and be tempted to say, “Your attitude towards Susan is disrespectful.”  That approach will most likely draw an extra measure of defensiveness because the person will probably feel judged and accused.  So, don’t share your conclusion about their action.  Instead, describe the behaviors you’ve seen exhibited.

Focusing on behavior, a more effective statement sounds like, “Generally, I’ve noticed that when Susan speaks, you tend to roll your eyes, look down at the table, and interrupt her before she finishes speaking.” Then, stop talking.  Let the person reach her own conclusion about the message her actions convey.  Remember, your job is to be her mirror, not her judge.

3. Use words, vocal tone and body language that demonstrate respect and non-judgmentalness.

4. Find the right time and place to share your perspective.  The rule of thumb I trust is it’s acceptable to praise publicly (appreciative feedback) and always redirect or critique (developmental feedback) privately.

5. Keep in mind:  the recipient of feedback always has the right to do with the information whatever they choose.  They may action it or ignore it.  Your role is to skillfully provide highly quality information.

Every day, you have the power to give a gift that can boost self-esteem, embolden the under-appreciated, change the course of a career or, at just the right moment, guide an important, life-defining choice or Pivot Point.  Step up and speak out; courageously, give feedback.  The guidelines above will help you to do so constructively.  You provide a valuable service as you help others see themselves as you see them.

Stay tuned!  Next week, I’ll post some suggested words and phrases designed to help you to give feedback with enhanced competence and confidence, no matter how difficult or sensitive the issue is which needs to be addressed.

Want to Grow and Flourish? Seek Out the Gift of Feedback.

As I wrote my previous post, “A Challenging Boss Can Be Good For You,” I started thinking about another key workplace challenge – the challenge of getting good feedback. It’s a big hurdle for most people.

You may have reservations about making yourself vulnerable when you ask for feedback. “Do I really want to hear what they have to say? Is this going to make me feel bad? Will I be embarrassed or humiliated by what they say to me?”

You may have questions about whether you can trust what the person says? “Are they being honest with me? Are they telling me the whole truth or have they sugarcoated the message, dumbed it down or softened it to the point that it’s meaningless?” Or, you may wonder, “Did they have to bludgeon me? I could have gotten the message if they had been just a little less painfully critical.” Despite all of these concerns, feedback is what you need to help you grow and flourish.

I divide feedback into two major categories: appreciative and developmental. Appreciative feedback is a message about what you’re doing that works well and makes you effective. Literally, it’s what others appreciate and value about you. Developmental feedback contains a message about something you’re doing — or not doing – that leads others to judge your behavior as less than effective. Both types of feedback are necessary and very valuable. Appreciative feedback lets you know what you are doing that you should continue doing. Developmental feedback gives you an opportunity to consider behavioral changes that could result in increased effectiveness.

Here’s the problem I see all too often: people don’t get good feedback. In this case, good means honest and truthful feedback, whether it’s appreciative or developmental. Most often, people don’t get good feedback because their managers and supervisors don’t give it. They tend not to give it because it’s hard to do and they’re often uncertain about how the message will be received. They may be asking themselves, “Will this be more work than it’s worth?”

To grow and flourish, you need accurate information about how your behavior impacts others – how you’re perceived and experienced by those with whom you live and work. You need to understand how you impact others because, with great regularity, there is a gap between your good intentions and the way your behavior looks and feels when it lands in the world of others. Armed with good quality information, you can make wise, informed decisions about repeating behaviors that support your success and choosing new behaviors where change is warranted.

So, here’s a strategy…ask your manager/supervisor for feedback. Ask to set aside some time on their calendar for a conversation about your performance. Scheduling time to talk will make it less likely you’ll be interrupted.

Here are a couple of questions that are open-ended and work well:

1. What do you see me doing that works well and helps me to be effective? (Appreciative feedback)
2. What are a couple of things you would suggest I do differently, to be even more effective? (Developmental feedback)

Now, here’s the hard part. After you ask question #1, be quiet and listen. Make notes of what the person says. Do NOT debate with them or explain yourself, or agree or disagree. Listen, note key words and phrases, and say, “Thank you.”

Then, go to question #2. Ask the question, then be quiet and listen. Don’t debate, agree, disagree, or make excuses or give explanations for why you do what you do. Just listen and take in what the person says. Make it easy for them to share their truth with you. Be sure to note the suggestions they provide and to thank them for being forthright and helpful.

Here are 4 tips to keep in mind:

1. Breathe deeply to stay relaxed and present.
2. Remember, this is NOT a conversation. Don’t dialogue back and forth. It’s a data gathering session. Ask your questions. Listen well. Take good notes.
3. If you are unclear about a point, ask, “Would you mind clarifying that for me so that I fully understand.” Be sure to use a tone of voice and non-verbals that convey openness.
4. End the meeting with, “Thank you!” It takes a lot for people to give feedback, even when it’s their job. A certain amount of personal courage is required and framing feedback so it’s clear also takes mental and emotional energy. Accept whatever the person has offered as a generous gift.

Here’s an important fact to remember: you can do with feedback whatever you want. You decide. You can use it or you can ignore. The choice is yours, as is the consequence of your choice. The giver will be watching. If you use the information constructively, you predispose the giver to be open with you the next time you ask, or the next time they hear something said about you or your work that they think you ought to know.

A Challenging Boss Can Be Good for You

“How was your first week in the new job?”  I was eager to hear how his week went.

“Pretty good.  I actually did more than I thought I’d do,” he said.  I heard a sense of pride and satisfaction in his voice.

“Tell me.  What did you expect and what happened?”

“I expected to observe during my first week, and then slowly work up to interacting with clients.  But, my mentor insisted I jump in.  I didn’t think I was ready, but I did it.  I actually enjoyed the challenge after I got over being nervous,” he explained.

“Good for you.  I’m glad you took the plunge and it worked out so well.  You always step up to challenges,” I said.  I was glad the week had gone well for him.   A feeling of relief often accompanies doing well.

“My mentor,” he hesitated, “is pretty tough.  He’s a really hard worker.  He’s serious about the business.  He starts early and stays late.  Since he’s training me, I had to change my schedule to coincide with his.  He wants me to do everything the job involves.”

“Great!  It’s helpful to have a coach, mentor or boss who’ll push you to be your best.”

Funny.  This conversation took me back in time as many professional firsts flashed through my mind.  Then, suddenly, there they were, the two most difficult managers I ever worked for.  At the time of our relationship, they seemed impossible to please.  Unreasonable. Inhumane.  I thought they didn’t respect or trust me.  At the time, I was certain they were determined to make my life miserable.  They pushed me hard.

Of course, back then I hated it.  No!  Let me be clear:  I loved my job, but I did NOT love either of them.  Sad to say, I hated them.  Each morning as I drove to work, I would find myself fantasizing about their absence from my life.  My fantasies varied.  Sometimes, I imagined getting a new job even though I loved my job and enjoyed my colleagues.  I didn’t really want to leave.

Most often, my fantasies were about him leaving – for a better situation, a worse situation, accidental injury, I didn’t care.  I just wanted relief.  Of course, there were days when the Southern Baptist part of me lead to a “selfless” prayer:  “Dear Lord, please help [insert the manager’s name] get a new job and move on.”  When you’re in pain, you have to call out the big guns.  Right!?!   I mean, God couldn’t have wanted me to be miserable, and boy was I miserable.

For a long time, whenever I heard either of their names, I cringed and felt angry and wronged.  Then, one day a former colleague mentioned both their names and I noticed something miraculous:  I felt no negative emotional charge.  My angry, resentful and hateful feelings were gone.  Instead, I was able to talk about what these two challenging bosses taught me.

It took a long while, but I got there.  I moved to a good place – a place where I was free of toxic negativity and I was able to openly acknowledge the contribution these two very challenging men made to my development.

Each manager, in his own way, helped me become a more competent professional; one who completes her work with care and a mind for excellence.  And each of them helped me see how important it is to understand what your boss wants and needs from you.  And, as long as it’s legal and moral, how much better it makes your life if you give it to her/him.  Why? Because helping your boss feel comfortable with your competence increases her confidence and trust in you.  With high confidence and trust as the foundation for your relationship, good things happen.  People promote and support those they trust and believe in.

Briefly, these are some of the lessons I learned from two very challenging bosses – two people I once wished would disappear.   It’s my good fortune they didn’t.

Do you have a challenging boss?  Or, maybe your challenge is with a colleague or a client, a spouse or child, a parent or sibling.  Whoever it is, whatever the relationship, that person is in your life for a very good reason.  What are you to learn from this teacher?  Though not initially recognized as such, rest assured, your teachers always come bearing valuable gifts that will serve you well.

How to Journal Your Truth and Inspire Others

Since LIES That Limit hit the market, many of you have asked, “What other products do you have available?”

Well, we heard you.  Today, I’m happy to announce that in addition to the executive coaching, keynote addresses and customized workshops that comprise the core Spirit of Purpose®  offerings, we now have two new products:

• A Journal
• A Set of 10 Notecards

“Journal Your Truth” and Transform Your Life

Journaling will help you to get to know your deeper Self better, solve your toughest problems, strengthen your intuition and creativity, and document your story.  Journaling is a great way to clear your mind, reduce stress, sort through the issues and conflicts in your life, and develop a solid plan of action for moving forward.

The Journal Your Truth notebook will help you align your head and your heart.  When your thoughts, feelings, energy and intentions are aligned, you become a powerhouse.  Consciously aligning energy and intentions makes the “Law of Attraction” work for you.  Journaling clears away the energetic drag of doubt, fear, worry, anxiety and negativity.

If you’ve read LIES That Limit, you know that at the end of each chapter there is a section called, “Journal Your Truth.”  It contains questions designed to help you apply the content of the chapter to your life.  This journal is the perfect place to document your Self-exploration and its a safe place to bare your soul and bear witness to YOUR truth.   Sometimes, you even hide the truth from yourself.

Use this tool as little as 10 minutes a day to practice the art of intentional reflection, and you’ll find yourself making better, more empowered decisions.  Intentional reflection enables conscious choice and conscious choice will transform your life.

Inspire Your Circle of Friends and Family With Spirit of Purpose® Notecards

The next tine you reach for a notecard to send someone – celebrating an accomplishment, acknowledging a milestone, emboldening their courage, helping them get back on track, supporting their decision – send aSpirit of Purpose® notecard. Each package contains 10 beautifully designed notecards with one of 5 life-affirming messages from the book LIES That Limit.  Inside each card is beautiful white space waiting for the special, personal message you want to share.

Special Limited Time Offer:  Book Club Bundle

For a limited time, we’re offering a FREE journal or set of notecards with any purchase of 10 or more copies of LIES That Limit: Uncover The Truth Of Who You Really Are.  Put LIES That Limit on your 2012 Book Club list.  It will stimulate life-changing discussion, and give you and your entire group real, simple and  attainable tools to Live Better Now.

LIES That Limit also makes a great gift for family, friends and co-workers who are in transition, or who need to examine the things that are standing in the way of a happy, fulfilling and exhilarating life.

Welcome to a new year of positive change in your life and the lives of the people you care so much about!  

Everything You Need for Your Fantastic Life!

Kate Siner Francis, PhD

Ever wake up wondering, “How did I get here?”  Ever go to bed wondering, “Is this all there is?” Well, if so, now is a good time to change all that!

My colleague, Kate Siner Francis, founder of the Life Fulfillment Formula and the Larger Visions, has a convened an outstanding group of 12 experts to offer you The Your Fantastic Life Telesummit, January 17^th through March 6th.  Each hour-long seminar will take you on a journey to significant insights.  I’m one of the speakers, along with a number of other colleagues.  We aim to address your most important questions about how to improve your life and become more empowered.

In this series you’ll learn powerful tools and essential skills that will help you:

• Be happier each and every day
• Deal effectively with relationship challenges
• Free yourself from parts of your past that no longer serve you
• Learn to be a master of self-care
• See more clearly how you get stuck and how to break free

And much, much more…

The series is completely FREE! Listen in from wherever you are by phone or computer.  Each workshop will be available for 24 hours after airing.  Be sure to take advantage of the life-changing wisdom that will be shared.

You’ll find the full schedule and all details for this FREE series at YourFantasticLife.com.

Remember, you’ll hear 12 experts, over 6 weeks, who will help you overcome the obstacles that hold you back from fulfillment and YOUR future – the future you have dreamed of.

Join us for the “Your Fantastic Life” Telesummit.  Sign up at YourFantasticLife.com.  So that next time someone asks you how you’re doing, you say, in full integrity, “My life is fantastic!  I’m fantastic!“

The 2012 Resolution Solution: 7 Steps To Lasting Change

Every year, we make New Year’s resolutions only to make the same resolutions again the following year.  Whether it’s to lose weight, improve a relationship, take better care of our health, exercise, spend more quality time with our kids or aging parents, save more money, or improve our standing in the workplace.  Year after year, for most of us, we resolve to fix the same old problem.  Why is that?  What gets in the way of us achieving our goals, satisfying our resolution?

LIES: Labels, Illusions; Excuses; and Stories.  That’s what gets in the way of goal achievement.  LIES are the thoughts, beliefs and feelings determine our range of choices and define how we behave.

LIES: Labels, Illusions, Excuses and Stories set up unnecessary, false limits.  LIES undermine our belief that we can change; challenge our ability to dream big, or at all; they limit the range of options we see for ourselves.

How do you recognize LIES? They sound like this:

• I can’t because…
• I don’t know how to…
• They won’t let someone like me…
• I just don’t have the time to…
• Everybody [feels, thinks, is] that way.
• Everybody does – sometime.
• I’ll do it later, when I have more time; not now.
• When ___ happens, then I’ll be able to…
• When the kids are older I’ll…
• That kind of thing happens to other people, not me.
• That will never happen. Nobody in my family [neighborhood, school, racial or ethnic group] has ever___before.
• Well, what if…

Setting a goal is like looking at just the tip of an iceberg. What we see and are aware of is a tiny part of the whole thing. We can write it down and make it tangible so that we can look at it and read it.

The issue is what’s beneath the waterline – all the stuff that makes up our attitude and beliefs. And we all know that half of any battle or achieving any goal is our attitude. But what makes up our attitude is so often outside of our awareness. Get that. The stuff that’s really running my show is outside of our awareness. And a good portion of what makes up the base of the iceberg, which is the majority of it, isn’t the truth.

Join me in making 2012 the year of letting go of LIES and practicing the 7 A’s, a process for melting the iceberg; dispelling the LIES in your life, and being accountable for lasting change.

The 7 A’s for Lasting Change

1. Analyze yourself and your situation. Where am I today? How did I get here? How did I create this? What LIES did I use to construct my world as I know it?
2. Accept where you are today, without complaint, blame, or shame. You are not a problem, and neither is the situation, really. You’re just at a point where you have a desire for something else. That’s good.
3. Acknowledge what you want. Be clear and specific about your desire. Write it down, describing it in such detail that you can see it and feel it. Get emotionally connected to what you want, not desperate or begging, just feeling great every time you think about having what you want.
4. Access Awareness of what you think about this thing or situation you desire; how you really feel when it comes to mind; and what you believe about this thing and your right or ability to have this thing in your life. Note how you feel about the goal or desire; your attraction and fears about it; your resistance to a big YES! What do you think and how do you feel? Write it down. Ask: am I committed?
5. Allow a range of choices and options to surface, once you’re committed. Think about the choices you’ve identified. Discern which options will lead toward your goal? Consciously choose; mindfully decide which option will serve you best. Imagine yourself using that option. Make your visualization vivid. What are the consequences? Are the consequences aligned with your desire, or do they work against you having what you want?
6. Act only when you are really ready and have chosen an action that will lead to the consequence you want. You want to think it through and feel it through, the action needs to line up with both your best thinking and best feelings.
7. Assess the results and reengage in the cycle. The process or cycle is never-ending. It continues throughout your lifetime. The more conscious and aware you are of it, the more success you’ll have achieving your goals and creating change that lasts.

How to Make Your Holidays Happy

Any time you find yourself back in a familiar situation – like celebrating the holidays with your family of origin, in-laws or old friends – you tend to react in familiar ways. Whether you know it or not, you have a well-rehearsed, ingrained pattern of behavior you engage in, and an equally well-honed set of responses to those around you…especially those you grew up around.

When the pattern is constructive, respectful and loving the gathering tends to feel like the blessing and celebration of life it’s intended to be. When there is stress and strain in the relationships, what could be a joyful time is marred by any variety of tension and negativity.

If your experience of holiday gatherings is less than peaceful and enjoyable, this holiday, try something different. Instead of interacting and responding like you have for so many years, make a conscious choice before you leave home, if you’re going to be a guest or if you’re the host, before the first guest arrives, to do all you can to make the gathering a positive, peaceful and enjoyable experience – for you and everyone else.

When you’re triggered by Uncle Joe’s teasing about your bad taste in partners, or your Mother’s comments about why you’re dressed like that, or your sister’s stories about all the money she’s making and the places she’s traveled to, remember your decision – your conscious choice – to make the time together positive, peaceful and enjoyable. In that moment, ask yourself, “Do I really have to respond to what he just said in the way I’ve always responded?” Of course the answer is, “No.” You can look at him and smile, choosing to add a new step to the dance between the two of you with something as simple as, “You know, Uncle Joe, you’re right. I have had some weird partners. Pray that I choose better.” Or, to your sister you can say, and mean, “I’m so proud of you. You must be happy. You’ve worked hard for what you’ve achieved.” Acknowledge the truth in what’s said versus getting hooked by it.

At every turn, when you feel old, familiar, negative thoughts and reactions welling up, ready to burst forth, before you respond, take a deep breath and remember your decision – your conscious choice – to do all you can to add peace and enjoyment to the gathering.

I Know!

The slow moving security line was about 70-people deep. Still uplifted by days in the warm Caribbean sun and blue-green waters, no one complained. Eye contact and smiles were exchanged between strangers. Nods of recognition passed between those who might have seen one another at the hotel, on a beach or at a restaurant. Friends and family members laughed, pleasured by shared stories of a good time. Chatting with my husband, and people watching, I entertained myself as we waited.

Scanning the crowd, she caught my eye…a light, an unmistakable powerhouse. Shoulder length, wavy brown hair, fewer than three feet tall, weighing about 25 to 30 pounds, wearing a sundress with big flowers in primary colors all over it, she was captivating. Pink clog-like shoes were her only accessories.

Traveling with her Mom and Dad, this little one had the full attention of everyone.

As the line advanced, she placed her feet parallel to each other and jumped. She didn’t walk like the rest of us. She hopped like a bunny. Her move forward completed, she said to her Mom, “I love to jump.”

“Yes, you do,” her mother replied, making eye contact and smiling.

Apparently happy, in touch with her desires and preferences, expressive, this young lady seemed free and fully alive.

The line snaked, making the “S” shape crowd control experts use to funnel large groups through tight square footage. A woman who, like me, had been watching and admiring the girl, was now close enough to converse with her.

“Hi there,” the woman said, smiling at the little girl.

“Hi,” she said, leaning forward, lifting her face up to meet the woman, eye-to-eye, her little hand on the rope that separated the two of them.

“How old are you,” asked the woman.

“I’m three.”

Now, here comes the best part.

The woman said, “You’re so cute!”

Without hesitation, self-deprecation or prideful arrogance, the little girl responded simply. “I know!”

Delighted, I laughed. “I know!” Now that’s something else: to be cute and know it.

The mother and father looked at their child, and the woman, and smile. The energy and intentions of the exchange, on everyone’s part, was healthy, heart-warming and affirming; all pure and positive.

Have you ever taken the time to dive deep and explore the energetic impact of exchanges you experienced in your early life? Were you exposed to energy and intentions – words and nonverbals – that affirmed and validated you, or diminished and discounted you? Raised and taught by people who loved us but, often unknowingly, did more to damage our sense of personal power, freedom of self-expression and self-confidence, many of us had the latter experience. But not this young woman.

I asked, “What’s your name?”

“Summer.”

Summer has great awareness of the truth of who she really is. She knows that she’s magnetic; captivating; deserves to be the center of positive attention; has a right to free self-expression; can move and enjoy her body; and can agree, out loud even, without shame, when others acknowledge that she is cute. Her beautiful Spirit is visible – free, open and vulnerably expressed. Therein lies her power and charm.

Summer embodies the wonder and magic of the incredible gift she is to the world. Do you? This little one brings joy and light to the world. Her energy and intentions – her thoughts, feelings and beliefs about her self – are aligned. She knows she is good, safe, is here to enjoy herself and others. She knows it and she shows it.

As we moved through the security line – laptops and electronics out and into the tray; shoes, jackets and purse into another, stepping through the scanning machine (luckily no pat-down this time),then collecting just x-rayed bags, redressing, repacking the laptop and electronics, I had a chance to chat more with Summer and her mother, Steph.

“Summer, you were a hit with all these people. You held everyone’s attention. We were all so happy to see you!”

Steph smiled and said, “Everywhere we go, people notice her. It’s always like this.”

And, what did Summer say?

“I know!”